April and Ryan are Gettin' Hitched

The florist thoughtfully asked my mother to remind me about an important detail: check with the Hall or the caterer to ensure that whatever tablecloths we're renting do NOT have patches.

Wow.

See, the thing about wedding planning isn't the major decisions. It's the thousand and one details. Will your ceremony be moving and spiritual? Will the guests feel relaxed and uplifted? Who cares? The REAL question is who's in charge of taking the slip-covers off the chair seat-backs at the end of the night

It never would have occured to me that one would have to specify for tablecloths that were not rejected from Barnum & Bailey's Tent Recycling and Reclaimation Project. Gotta be on your toes.

This reminds me of a story my friend Dana told me about her wedding. They went up to the San Juan Islands, or somewhere off Washington State. Basically, they were surrounded by water.

So she makes all the arrangements for food, bevvies, and cake. Mind you, Dana's a level-headed and thoughtful gal--no feather-headed princess bride--and she was pretty sure they were covered.

The day of the wedding, she finds out the caterer has not provided cutlery to slice and serve the wedding cake. She hadn't asked for them specifically, you see.

"Sweetheart," the caterer rasps over the phone, "This is why people hire wedding planners."

I'm bringing my own cutlery to the Columbus ceremony. See photo, above.

Swellegant?

Well, not to be outdone, I myself had a fantomenal discussion with a groomsman (below, left, pushing a kegerator on his wedding day) on Sunday. Mostly we talked about other inappropriate, painful places for tattoos honoring former Philadelphia 76ers stars.

And then we talked about the Winter X Games.

And then a little bit about the E Street Band. Specifically, can Springsteen really be relevant with them? They're in Nashville recording at the moment, so it seemed topical. And, as much as I love them, and as much as I'd love seeing another tour with them, what more can they do? It'll be interesting to see or, more accurately, hear.

And then we talked about Oregon's basketball team.

And then there was some Tiger Woods/Peyton Manning/Tennis Guy Who'd Just Won Something discussion.

And then we talked about what to wear at the wedding. Now, if April goes non-traditional, I'm thinking seersucker.

"I don't know about four guys in seersucker," Patrick said.

"I know."

"We'd look like a babershop quartet," he said.

"That'd solve the problem of finding a band."

Then we started making fun of ESPN.

Clearly, I should just go with the Springsteen look (above, more photos here). Don't think I won't wear a Telecaster. I will. I got a friend that works at Fender and everything.

Not than anyone really cares, but ...

Currently listening to: Hayes Carll's "Little Rock"

-- Ryan

What have fashion's finest minds compposed for White Baer World Tour 2007? Well you might ask!

If I had a dollar for everyone who's asked me about the dress already, I could send out for a nice little Vera Wang, and the shopping would be done already.

See my accompanying link on the right for some evolving thoughts on what we're wearing at this shin-dig.

To get my bridal dander up, I attended a swellegant bridal show hosted by Portland's "English Department". Elizabeth is the co-owner. She's very cool, lovely, and unpretentious. It so happens her guy Jarkko owns the club where we're doing our Portland Party.

The toney restaurant reserved for the show was wall-to-wall brides, in every variety of upper-class Portland plumage. There were brides with stiletto heels, brides with sequinned ballet flats. Brides with Ugg boots, brides with Doc Martens, brides with candy apple red clogs. Brides with $150 bike messenger bags and Pumas, handknit scarves, and five-figure engagement rings. Brides with haircuts that probably cost more than my entire outfit.
Many came complete with entourage: fiances, hunched over cappucino, chic West Hills moms with exquisite little green shoes.

I don't mind telling you, I felt a little out-gunned. All these women looked like they had A Plan. A Vision. Who was I kidding turning up at this thing? Would they really be plying me with Mimosas and scones if they knew I was working on a $300 dress budget? Would they turn me out in the street with directions for the nearest Salvation Army resale shop?
But hey, I told myself. We're all in the same boat, here. Flush with excitement, trying to make smart, budget-conscious decisions that will make the day really... well.... special.

Then I caught a bit of the conversation going on to my right, about the friend of a friend whose wedding was featured in Oregon Bride Magazine. Eat your scone, I told myself, keep your mouth shut, and keep your wallet in your purse at all times.

Hoooo boy.

Right. So, there are some interesting trends in bridal wear these days. The photo at the top of this post appears to signal the return of the Masquerade Wedding, where everyone tosses keys in a bowl and you really hope you end up with the right groom at the end of the night.

I also saw this tea-length seersucker dress ( to the right), which suggested some interesting matching combinations with Whitey's chosen attire, if we want to pursue the Donny and Marie look.

But they did have a number of things that got my unwilling brain lurching forward. Like this little number.


I think it's going to be a while before I have anything concrete. And I'm distressed as ever to see that most designers are picturing body type for brides age 14-16. (Who knew there was so much of a market for Mormon sect weddings?)

But if anybody has suggestions and ideas, PLEASE feel free to post. With your help, no laws of fashion need be broken in the making of this wedding.

There's a story in the New York Times this morning about Bam Margera, a guy who's made a lot of money doing very stupid things to himself, stuff that hurts him in a very physical way. He was on MTV's "Jackass."

That led to Right Guard commercials.

Anyway, he's getting married and, yes, this was in the New York Times and, clearly, April was hogging the sections with the important news.

MTV is documenting the wedding planning (in fact, MTV's helping with the wedding planning, which wouldn't be a bad way to go, but I absolutely do not want Sean Combs in Columbus or here in Portland for the Ruckus).

The interview appears to have taken place in a bar, and after the interview the two head off to to get celebratory tattoos. The bride-to-be gets "313" tattooed on the inside of her lower lip. That's the area code for Detroit, where they bought their wedding bands.

The Bam guy gets "Dr. J" tattooed on the inside of his lower lip, because the dude loved Dr. J.

My point is this: A tattoo on the inside of one's lower lip has got to hurt like hell.

So, turns out this InterTube thing is going to catch on. We've learned to log on to the Google. Soon, we might even have the eBay. Then you can send us e-mail. Great success!

We kid. Ha! We figured we'd post again. Radio silence is broken. We're planning the wedding.

Behold, to the right, you'll find useful links. Not useful in the fixing-our-horribly-screwed-up-executive-branch sense of the word, but useful if you're going to help April and Ryan celebrate the beginning of April-and-Ryan.

Yeah, we dropped the third person on ourselves. We can do that. We're gettin' married.

If nothing else, you can amuse yourself into a state of nuptual abandon with the first installment of the series Whitey's doing for the Oregonian: Wedding planning from the guy's perspective.